Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster of Infertility

By Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C

Infertility is an incredibly difficult journey. It’s more than just the medical procedures and the disappointment of negative pregnancy tests—it’s the emotional toll that seems like it will never end. For families touched by infertility, it can feel like you are the only one, especially when it looks like everyone around you is getting pregnant. But if you’re going through this, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone.

Infertility affects both birthing and non-birthing partners. Whether you’re the one physically trying to conceive or supporting your partner, it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster for everyone involved. Infertility touches every aspect of your life— from your relationships to your mental health, and even your sense of self. 

Let’s talk about the emotional challenges that come with infertility, how to manage the stress and anxiety that you may feel, and ways that you can cope with these feelings.

The Emotional Impact of Infertility on You and Your Partner

When you’re trying to conceive and it’s just not happening, it’s normal to feel like you’re failing at something that should be natural. It seems like it's easy for everyone but you. Each month that passes without a positive pregnancy test brings disappointment. Over time, this can take a toll on your self-esteem and make you feel less connected to your body. For many, infertility leads to questioning their identity and value—especially if having children has always been part of the plan.

For couples, the emotional strain of infertility can put stress on the relationship. One partner may feel guilty for “being the cause” of infertility, while the other may feel helpless or angry. The pressure of fertility treatments, timed intercourse, and never ending doctor’s appointments can make intimacy feel more like a chore than an act of love. And while both partners may be hurting, they often express it in different ways. Some may withdraw and become quiet, while others may more openly express their emotions. When couples cope differently, conflict can arise. Partners with different coping styles may feel misunderstood and alone.

If you’re feeling isolated, overwhelmed, or like no one understands what you’re going through, know that these feelings are valid. Infertility is a uniquely difficult experience, but with the right tools and support, it’s possible to manage the emotional rollercoaster.

The Link Between Infertility, Stress, and Mental Health

There’s a strong link between infertility, stress, and mental health. The longer the fertility journey goes on, the more difficult it becomes to remain hopeful. The stress of infertility isn’t just emotional; it’s physical too, as your body is constantly going through the highs and lows of hormonal treatments. All of this combined can take a significant toll on your mental health.

Many women struggling with infertility experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. It can feel like your mind is in a constant loop of “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios. The lack of control over the process and outcome can trigger worry and helplessness.

Stress also has an impact on fertility. While stress doesn’t “cause” infertility, chronic stress can affect ovulation and hormone levels, which can make conception more challenging. The result is a vicious cycle—stress about not getting pregnant makes it harder to get pregnant, which causes more stress. And the cycle goes on.

Understanding the link between infertility and mental health is important because it highlights how important it is to care for your emotional well-being. Let’s look at some ways that you can manage the stress, anxiety, and isolation that often comes with infertility.

5 Ways to Cope with Infertility

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Infertility can bring about a wide range of feelings, including anger, grief, jealousy, and guilt. When we experience negative feelings, it’s normal to push them away, but this is actually counterproductive. At the same time, trying to stay positive all the time can make it harder to process the pain. 

It’s much better to acknowledge your feelings and then take steps to cope with them. Allow yourself to feel sad, frustrated, or angry without judgment. Journaling or talking to a therapist can be a safe way to explore these emotions.

It’s also okay to step back from situations that trigger difficult emotions. If attending a baby shower or scrolling through social media is too painful, it’s okay to step away. You don’t have to put yourself in situations that cause you more distress.

2. Lean on Your Support System

Infertility can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out to supportive friends and family or consider attending an infertility support group where you can talk about your experiences. Online communities, like forums or social media groups dedicated to infertility, may also provide comfort. These spaces allow you to connect with other people who understand what you’re going through. If these groups are too triggering though, it is okay to skip them. Your mental health comes first.

If you’re in a relationship, it’s also important to keep communication open with your partner. Share how you’re feeling and listen to their experience as well. Going through this together can strengthen your bond, even though it’s difficult.

3. Establish a Routine 

When infertility takes over your life, establishing a daily routine can provide a sense of control. A morning routine is a great place to start, because it sets the tone for your day. This could include a few minutes of mindfulness or meditation, some light exercise, or simply taking time for yourself before jumping into the day’s responsibilities.

Having a routine can also help reduce anxiety. When you’re going through fertility treatments or waiting for results, the uncertainty can feel overwhelming. Try to focus on what you can control, like your self-care routine or a hobby that you enjoy.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

It’s easy to be hard on yourself when dealing with infertility. You might feel like your body is letting you down or compare your fertility journey to your family, friends, and peers. Practicing self-compassion means being kind to yourself during this challenging time. 

Remember that infertility is not your fault, and you are doing the best you can. We often find that our clients going through infertility blame themselves, even when their doctors assure them that infertility is not their fault. When you are feeling emotional, it can be hard to stick to the facts, but try your best to put facts over feelings.

Try to speak to yourself like you would speak to a friend going through a hard time. Be gentle, patient, and understanding. If you find yourself stuck in negative self-talk, pause and replace those thoughts with kinder, more supportive ones.

5. Consider Infertility Counseling

There’s no shame in seeking professional help or therapy for infertility if the emotional toll becomes too much to handle on your own. Therapy and infertility counseling can provide a safe space to process your emotions, learn ways to communicate more effectively with your partner, and cope with feelings of anxiety and depression.

A therapist who specializes in infertility or reproductive health can offer valuable coping strategies. Many of these therapists have been through infertility themselves and have gone on to obtain additional training in this area. They understand the guilt, shame, anger, and pain that you may be feeling. 

Many people find that talking to a therapist allows them to gain perspective on their fertility journey. Sometimes, having a neutral, supportive person to listen can make all the difference.

Infertility is a deeply emotional experience that can leave you feeling stressed, alone, and uncertain about the future. It’s important to recognize that the emotional impact of infertility is real, affecting both birthing and non-birthing partners. The stress, anxiety, and isolation that come with infertility can take a toll on your mental health, but there are ways to cope.

By acknowledging your feelings, leaning on a support system, establishing a self-care routine, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional help when needed, you can cope with the emotional rollercoaster of infertility. Remember that you are not alone on this journey, and there is hope—even in the darkest times.

If you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, take things one step at a time, and know that it’s okay to ask for help. 

Resources on Infertility

For more information on infertility, see the following organizations:

• RESOLVE: The National Infertility Organization: A non-profit organization that offers education and resources on infertility, including support groups and an online community.
• American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM): A medical association dedicated to reproductive medicine. In addition to resources for professionals, the ASRM also provides news, information, and guidance for patients.
• Phoenix Health: A mental health practice that offers online therapy for infertility and other perinatal mental health conditions. Our providers are trained in infertility counseling and some specialize specifically in this area. Click here to learn more about our therapy program and how we can help you.